House & Cuddy

#101 "Pilot": Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office 20 minutes ago. House: That's odd, because I had no intentions of being in your office 20 minutes ago.

#102 "Paternity": Cuddy: How's your hooker doing? House: How sweet of you to ask. Funny story - she was going to be a hospital administrator, but she hated having to screw people like that.
#104 "Maternity": Cuddy (to House): Shrink. If you would consider a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for god's sake.
#106 "The Socratic Method": House: Love the outfit. It says "I'm a professional, but I'm still a woman." Actually, it sort of yells the second part. Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.
#111 "Detox": Cuddy: I'll give you a week off clinic duty if you can go a week off narcotics. House: No way! I love the clinic. Cuddy: You love the pills. Two weeks. House: Pills don't make me high. They make me neutral. Cuddy: A month. House: You're on, mister. Cuddy: I can't protect you. Patients talk, doctors talk. House: About how big your ass has gotten lately? Not me -- I defend it.

#112 "Sports Medicine":

House: 5 p.m., Dr. House checks out.

Cuddy: It's 4:45.

House: I was rounding up.

Cuddy: You put him on lupra.
House: Uh-huh.

Cuddy: And you told him it was like milk?

House: Yes.
Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?

House: It's creamy.
House: Which brings me to my fourth reason.
Cuddy: I thought you said there were only three?
House: I thought you'd buy one of them.

#114 "Control":
Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
#117 "Role Model":

Cuddy: In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!
House: Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.

Cuddy: In my office.
House: Afternoon delight. (waves his cane) She just loves the hard wood.

#119 "Kids":

Cuddy: What are you doing?
House: (holding a folder in front of her chest) Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
Cuddy: I am working - it got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year old.
House: Sorry, you just don't usually see breasts like that on deans of medicine.
Cuddy: Oh, women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
House: No, they can be babes. You just don't usually see their fun-bags.
#120 "Love Hurts":

Cuddy: Well, I think it's a good thing. What happened in your last relationship, it's no reason to wall yourself off from people forever. Five years of self-pity is probably enough.
House: Wow. Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.
Cuddy: Well...
House: Actually, it was your blouse I was talking about.
#121 "Three Stories":

House: (about a lecture) I'm not doing it. (leaves, then stops) You're supposed to stop me. Renegotiate.
Cuddy: Hmm, and you were supposed to keep on walking. Sorry, I guess we both screwed up. Go on, do it again.
#122 "Honeymoon":

Cuddy: I want to run something by you.
House: I will not have sex with you! Not again! It was miserable the first time; your desperate administrative need!

#201 "Acceptance":

House: Nolo? I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.
Cuddy: You're addicted to pain pills. House: But not useless.
Cuddy: You don't have access to the hospital mainframe.
House: No, but "Partypants" does.
Cuddy: You stole my password? House: Hardly counts as stealing. Pretty obvious choice.
#202 "Autopsy": House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Cuddy: Are you high?
House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
Cuddy: It's Wednesday.

#203 "Humpty-Dumpty":
House: (to Cuddy) If I tried a scheme like this, you'd get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit...

4x08 "You don't want to know"
(House tells his team they will have immunity if they steal Cuddy's underpants, and Dr. Cole was successful)
House: (talking about Cole and Cuddy) Do you think it's remotely possible they had sex?
Wilson: They're both single. It's still legal in the blue states.
House: She barely knows him.
Wilson: You know in some cultures, hiring people to steal someone's underpants is considering wooing.

5x05 "Lucky Thirteen"
House: Oh my God! You guys shop here too? Best nipples in Princeton.
Cuddy: Why are you here?
House: Because he ate the donut.
Wilson: I'm so sorry, he must have followed me.
Cuddy: I'm sure.
House: You're clearly not pregnant, so either you're buying this as a gift or this is some weird 'if you build they will come' moment.
Cuddy: I'm adopting a baby.
HOUSE LOOKS CRESTFALLEN
Wilson: She asked me to be a character reference; that's where I was the other morning. I'm sorry, I couldn't betray her confidence.
Cuddy: I didn't want anyone else to know in case I didn't get approved. Today I did... [House still looks hurt/confused/upset]... are you gonna congratulate me?
House: If you're happy, I'm... [LEAVES]


5x06 "Joy"
[Wilson calls House out on his treatment of Cuddy regarding her decision to adopt]
Wilson: You're just doing this because we no longer have inkwells and Cuddy doesn't wear pigtails.


House: You're quitting? Just like you quit IVF?
Cuddy: Yeah, just like that.
House: There, you just did it again. That's too bad. You would have made a great mother.
Cuddy: You son of a b#@^. When I was getting a baby you told me I'd suck as a mother. Now that I've lost it, you tell me I'd be great as a mother! Why do you need to negate everything?
House: ... I don't know.
House + Cuddy: *kiss*
House: Good night. [He leaves]
Cuddy: ... Good night.

• House is the only person (until "Finding Judas") who knew about Cuddy wanting a baby and the invitro.