House Quotes

• House: I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back's turned you wait in line?- Failure to Communicate

• “Treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.” - Pilot

• "To do what I always do in these situations. Treat my patient behind his back and make him better." - Ugly
  

• "Don't worry. Many women learn to live with this parasite. My own mother, for example. Forty-five years and she only complains about it now from time to time." - Maternity
  

• "Seizures are fun to watch, boring to diagnose." - Forever
  

• Cuddy: "Dr. House! Need you here."

House: "No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something."

• Cameron: "Could pain medication cause an orgasm?"

House: "I wish."

• Foreman: "You stash your drugs in a Lupus text book."

House: "It's never Lupus." - Finding Judas

• "You're an idiot."

• "Yes, the symptom that I saw on the bus was a rare interferon allergy which flares up two days before you take it." - Wilson's Heart

• "You're orange, you moron!" - Pilot

• "Pretty much all the drugs I prescribe are addictive and dangerous."
  

• "I've been a Doctor for years why do I have to keep assuring people I know what I'm doing?" - Damned if you Do
  

• "We breed these superbugs, now they're all grown up and they got body peircings and a lot of anger." - Maternity
  

• Taub: "You don't have clinic duty today."

House: "Who says it's a duty?" - Joy to the World

• "We were both wrong, not equally wrong. You were at least six more wronger than me." - Frozen
  

• "Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly. Always. You can live with dignity, we can't die with it." - Pilot

• "I ask you, is almost dying any reason for not being fun?" - Forever

• "Everybody's great when they're half everybody's! Euphoria: Part 1
  

• “Would've been more impressive if he'd predicted he wasn't gonna die. Course that takes longer.” - You Don't Want To Know

• "That was awesome. I gotta start pretending to care."
  

• Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you are particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? - Paternity

• "The great thing about telling somebody they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for." - Three Stories

• "Half the people I save don't deserve a second chance."

• Nun: "Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real."

House: "I thought that was a job requirement for you people." - Damned If You Do

• "Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything" - Dying Changes Everything
  

• "Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check." - Love Hurts

• "I don't care much for apologies."

• "Someone's gonna be miserable someone's it. That's how I stay so happy." - Mirror, Mirror
  

• "My friends call me 'the cane.' Even before I messed up my leg." - Whatever it Takes
  

• "I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits." - Guardian Angels
  

• Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it's great, but so you know, I've never made a tree." - Role Model
  

• "My life is just one horror after another." - Needle in a Haystack
  

• "Why don't you want to work for me? I'm nice, fun at parties." - Forever
  

• "No, let them watch. I do my best work on the big stage." - All In
  

• Wilson: "Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?" - Failure To Communicate

House: "They recharge? I just keep buying new phones."

• "Candy canes? Are you mocking me?" - Damned If You Do

• "You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to quit thinking."

• "l'll be on your couch with a shotgun, in case you try to make a limp for the border."(Cuddy to House)

• "I'm not deflecting because I'm avoiding something deep. I'm deflecting because I'm avoiding something shallow." Birthmarks
  

• "You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a....I cant think of a non-sexual metaphor" - Spin
  

• Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search - Clueless

• Lungs skin...skin, lungs...Sklungs? - Clueless

• Do I know how to pick great cases or what? - Unfaithful
  

• Lydia: "And who's going to carry you when you're carrying the cello?"
• House: "Yes, cast aside the useless cripple. How very German of you." - Broken

• "You gonna trust me? I lie about everything." - House's Head

• "I had a heart attack this morning. I can't do any more drugs till at least lunch." - Wilson's Heart

• "That arrogant son of a b*tch is the best doctor we have!" Cuddy - Pilot

• Cameron: "You really didn't know? House: "No and frankly i am angry. Of course I'd know better when i know what were talking about."
  Cameron:"Your birthday"
  House:"Oh normally I would put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the earth has circled around the sun on more time. I really didn't think it was going to make it this year but darn if it wasn't for the little planet that could all over again.

• House: "I could run home."

Cuddy: (looking at his leg) "No, you couldn't."
House: "Nice."

• Thirteen: "You are the champion of not dealing with your problems."

House: "My grandson gave me a mug that says that."

• Wilson: "House, you're right! Why not? Why not date you?? It’s brilliant; we’ve known each other for years, we've put up with all kinds of crap from each other, and we keep coming back. We’re a couple!"
  House: "Are you still speaking metaphorically?"

• House: "You guys are thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see a plumbers buttcrack."

• Wilson: "They could build monuments to your self-centeredness." House vs. God
  

• Cameron: "What do you do with your cane?"
  House in reference to Wilson: "If he invites me to dinner, he'll find out."

• "The only problem with sleeping with strangers is.....there strange. -Its a wonderful lie

• "Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one." - Forever

• "First, 'Hector does go rug' is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House? 'Huge ego, sorry.'" - House Training

• Wilson: "If it isn't doctor Ironside."

House: "Ironside doctor, I had no friends when I was growing up so I sat home and watched TV by myself and I can now make constant pop culture references that no one understands but me."

Wilson: "That's my name, don't wear it out." - Needle in a Haystack

• Cuddy: "Oh, why do you have to make everything so dramatic?"

House: "Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog *yips*

• Cameron: "What's with the jacket?

House: "It keeps me warm and cool. How does it know?" - Daddy's Boy

• Clinic Patient: "I wasn't trying to off myself."

House: "No, you were trying to kill the wall." - 97 Seconds

• Cuddy: "Then dip into your secret stash."

House: "Tritter took it."
Cuddy: "Tritter's on to your secret-secret stash."
House: "I ran out."
Cuddy: "Then move on to your-secret-secret stash!" - Finding Judas

• Foreman: "You might wanna wait until he actually tell us his theory before you start kissing his theory's a*s."

Chase: "I wasn't kissing his a*s."
Foreman: "It just looked that way from our angle. You on your knees, House bending over." - Finding Judas

• "Sorry, wide stance." - Wilson's Heart

• House: I assume 'minimal at best' is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell."

Chase: I'm Australian.

House: You put the Queen on your money; you're British. - Poison

• Cuddy: What are you doing here? A patient?

House: No, a hooker. Came to my office instead of my home. - Paternity

• House: The cutest little tennis outfit. (Noticing Cuddy) Oh, so sorry. How embarrassing.
  

• House: Takes one to know one, loser....wait that means I'm a loser..scratch that. - Euphoria: Part 2
  

• House: "Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?" - Act Your Age
  

• House: "Dr.Cuddy - The face that launched a thousand long faces" - Games
  

• House: "It's table tennis, not table volleyball, and with no net, it's table nothing." - Broken

• House: "Continue to say nothing if you agree." - Instant Karma

• House: "It'a a universal daisy chain of piece and love that throws buns at people." - Both Sides Now

• House: "I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone." - Both Sides Now

• Wilson: "If you need to talk, if you need more help, I'm right here."
• House: "Great. Can you be 'right here' somewhere else?" - Brave Heart