House Quotes: Houseisms

• "There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is --- in fact --- a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate."

• “Bros before hos, man.”

• “Everybody lies.” - practically every episode but the first was in Pilot

• "I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone that someone is probably the last person you should ask."

• "Like I always say, there's no 'I' in team. There's a 'me,' if you jumble it up." - DNR
  

• "Lies are like children: they’re hard work, but it’s worth it because the future depends on them." - It's A Wonderful Lie
  

• "Genetic defect; nice" - No More Mr. Nice Guy
  

• "No, if you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic."
  - House vs. God

• "Thing is, hope’s for sissies." - Living the Dream

• "People don´t change."

• "Never is just reven spelled backwards." - Act Your Age

• "Well, like the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can’t always get what you want.'" - Pilot

• House- I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back's turned you wait in line?- Failure to Communicate
• “Treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.” - Pilot

• "To do what I always do in these situations. Treat my patient behind his back and make him better." - Ugly
  

• "Don't worry. Many women learn to live with this parasite. My own mother, for example. Forty-five years and she only complains about it now from time to time." - Maternity
  

• "Seizures are fun to watch, boring to diagnose." - Forever
  

• Cuddy: "Dr. House! Need you here."

House: "No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something."

• Cameron: "Could pain medication cause an orgasm?"

House: "I wish."

• Foreman: "You stash your drugs in a Lupus text book."

House: "It's never Lupus." - Finding Judas

• 
  "You're an idiot"

• "Yes, the symptom that I saw on the bus was a rare interferon allergy which flares up two days before you take it." - Wilson's Heart

• "Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own butt. It's always ugly. Always. You can live with dignity, we can't die with it." - Pilot

• "I ask you, is almost dying any reason for not being fun?" - Forever

• "Everybody's great when they're half-dead." - Euphoria: Part 1
  

• “Would've been more impressive if he'd predicted he wasn't gonna die. Course that takes longer.” - You Don't Want To Know

• "That was awesome. I gotta start pretending to care."
  

• Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? - Paternity

• "The great thing about telling somebody they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for." - Three Stories

• "Half the people I save don't deserve a second chance."

• "I don't care much for apologies."

• "Someone's gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That's how I stay so happy." - Mirror, Mirror
  

• "My friends call me 'the cane.' Even before I messed up my leg." - Whatever it Takes
  

• "I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits." - Guardian Angels
  

• Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it's great, but so you know, I've never made a tree." - Role Model
  

• "My life is just one horror after another." - Needle in a Haystack
  

• "Why don't you want to work for me? I'm nice, fun at parties." - Forever
  

• "No, let them watch. I do my best work on the big stage." - All In
  

• Wilson: – "Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?" - Failure To Communicate

House: – "They recharge? I just keep buying new phones."

• "Candy canes? Are you mocking me?" - Damned If You Do

• "That ignorant son of a b*tch is the best doctor we have!" - Dr. Lisa Cuddy - Pilot

• "Penis canes are murder."- House
  

• House: I could run home.

Cuddy: (looking at his leg) No, you couldn't.
House: Nice.

• 
  Thirteen: You are the champion of not dealing with your problems
• House: My grandson gave me a mug that says that

• "The problem with sleeping with strangers is.........they're strange." - It's a Wonderful Lie
  

• "Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one." - Forever

• "First, 'Hector does go rug' is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House? 'Huge ego, sorry.'" - House Training

• Wilson: "If it isn't doctor Ironside."

House: "If it isn't doctor I had no friends when I was growing up so I sat home and watched TV by myself and I can now make constant pop culture references that no one understands but me."

Wilson: "That's my name, don't wear it out." - Needle in a Haystack

• Cuddy: "Oh, why do you have to make everything so dramatic?"

House: "Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog *yips*

• Cameron: "What's with the jacket?

House: "It keeps me warm and cool. How does it know?" - Daddy's Boy

• Clinic Patient: "I wasn't trying to off myself."

House: "No, you were trying to kill the wall." - 97 Seconds

• Cuddy: "Then dip into your secret stash."

House: "Tritter took it."
Cuddy: "Then move on to your secret-secret stash."
House: "I ran out."
Cuddy: "Then move on to your secret-secret-secret stash!" - Finding Judas

• Foreman: "You might wanna wait until he actually tell us his theory before you start kissing his theory's a*s."

Chase: "I wasn't kissing his a*s."
Foreman: "It just looked that way from our angle. You on your knees, House bending over." - Finding Judas

• "Sorry, wide stance." - Wilson's Heart